Restitution & Making Amends: When Apology Is Not Enough

In the SHM Community Forums, Dini responded to one member who is worried because he had inadvertently hurt his co-worker with a joke. He wrote:

Frances,

First of all glad to "meet" you; I don't believe I've had the honor.  Glad you came here for support; I haven't been around long but find that there are insightful, supportive folks around here.

And you sound like one yourself or you wouldn't be so concerned about feeling that you may have, however inadvertently, hurt someone else and you would certainly not be asking the question "how can I forgive myself."  Those are the expressions and feelings of a caring, empathetic person.

You mention several emotions: SAD (that you "hurt" your friend), ASHAMED (that you joked about it in front of the boss) and ANGRY (well, you used the term "mad") at yourself for the whole thing.

The first thought that comes to my mind is, wow, Frances, those are the emotions of a caring person and they are also a lot of sticks to be beating oneself up with at once.  Maybe you could put down the sticks for a little bit and give yourself a break – here's what I see in your post:

You made what you thought (and most people would think) was a harmless joke about your friend drinking a great deal of water.  It turns out your friend is sensitive about this for whatever reasons (maybe she was once a problem drinker; you mention the lunchtime wine, maybe she's a sober alcoholic (I am), maybe she has some other health problem which requires or benefits the body by flushing it with lots of water, maybe none of the above).  The main thing is, you did not know it was a sensitive subject for your friend and you meant no harm.

Most importantly, you have apologized to your friend and "she has been forgiving."  Those two things put together spell friendship with a capital F.  Many people can do neither.  You had the honesty, courage and depth of feeling and soul to take the first step and apologize, and your friend also had those qualities which are required to forgive another.

I don't at all mean to make light of your feelings; they are real and they matter.  But from what you've described you and your friend have put your friendship to a test and it has survived and is probably stronger for it.  Rather than feeling ashamed or mad at yourself I would humbly suggest that you give yourself credit for having the depth of feeling to feel for your friend, the courage and honesty to apologize and to carry on your friendship.  I'll take a friend like you who without meaning to hurts my feelings every now and again and acknowledges it and apologizes so that we can move on with our friendship to a lot of what passes for "friendship" these days.

Here's my thought Frances; acceptance.  Accept your friend's forgiveness.  In my humble opinion, once you have done that, you will no longer feel the need to beat yourself up with the sticks of shame or anger at yourself.  And though you may feel sad that you (again, remember, inadvertently, not maliciously or wilfully – BIG difference) hurt your friend's feelings, she has forgiven you.  She still desires and accepts your friendship.  I'll take a friend like her who accepts my acknowledgement of my behavior and apology and has the depth of soul to forgive me to a lot of what passes for "friendship" any day of the week too!

And so to your questions – my responses are just my 'lil ole opinion and nothing more:

"How do I fix this?"  You have.  You acknowledged your behavior and you apologized.  That's your side of the street.  You cleaned it up.  It's fixed.

"How do I forgive myself?"  This may sound ironic or counter-intuitive but in my humble opinion when you are ready and able to truly "take in" your friend's forgiveness, you will be able to forgive yourself.  She has forgiven you, allow yourself to accept her forgiveness and forgive yourself.

Again, Frances, I say this without at all intending to minimize or diminish your very real feelings but what you have described sounds very much to me like a friendship that is truly a friendship between two people who have the depth and courage to feel for one another, apologize, accept apologies and forgive.  Those are all profound abilities and gifts.  The only thing I see missing is your forgiveness of yourself, which, as I say, in my humble opinion, will come when you are able to accept the fact that you have been forgiven.

So for what it's worth Frances, I say put away the sticks.  You've done nothing to be ashamed of; quite the opposite, you made an inadvertent mistake (otherwise known as being human), and then you have behaved with decency and emotional courage.  And a friend who forgives our (inevitable) mistakes is a gift.  Your friend has given you this gift.  Accept it.

I hope you keep coming around; you have soul.

Take care.