Rage and Anger
In the SHM Community Forums, Dini expressed his thoughts about how we should express our anger in artistic ways. He wrote:
Magnolia,
Lycas' suggestion, which I have also used in a similar way to Manuel, is a good tool; it helps remind me in the midst of whatever madness I'm in that there are things I am deeply grateful for.
I kinda wanted to echo Joanne's comments about therapists urging her to express anger verbally and then in various "artistic" ways. I've had that exact same experience; a therapist who REALLY urged me to express anger verbally, and I can honestly say I did so in a pretty appropriate manner; I wasn't yelling and screaming or banging on the walls or anything and to say that didn't go over well AT ALL is a major understatement. The therapist encouraged me to express things she was utterly and completely unable to handle.
A new therapist I am seeing (hehe….I've come to think of her as "Glinda," the good witch – I'll have to tell her that sometime) really encourages expression through art, objects, etc. (She's inspired me to hook up with an old friend and put our little duo act together again, which is wonderful; there are things I can express musically that I know of no other way of expressing. As it happens, he also deals with depression and we both find it therapeutic too). In her office, which is comfortable and homey with flowers and all kinds of interesting art and objects, but comfortable,not stiff, she has shelves full of various objects and a little sandbox which you can play with or draw with or whatever. Lately I've found that I often walk in the room (she lets me go in and sit down before she comes in – an "open door" policy which really makes me feel safe and comfortable) and go to the shelf and peruse all these little objects and I am almost unconsciously drawn to two or three or four which I then have in my hand when she comes in. The other evening it was a casket and a small Buddha. I told her that I have a brass Buddha very much like it which I used to use to burn incense on in my teens (to hide the smell of dope). And the casket led to my crying because I am losing a father. When she asked me what I wanted I cried like a seven year old and said I just want him to be here. To be there when I call on Sunday so he can tell me whatever stupid joke he heard that week. And I talked about all the wonderful times and wonderful example he has been for me. And how he knows I love him and he I; we tell each other. What I would give for one more Thanksgiving with the whole raucous bunch at the kitchen table, until midnight, playing cards, joking, laughing talking. Oh, what I would give for that; I've always felt like a bear in its den with the other bears I belong with at that kitchen table. All the sights and sounds and smells and laughter and anger and talk and closeness are so familiar and so home. But I also don't want him to be in pain any longer. (He's gone through horrible cancer stuff for the past year and it's getting near the end). Long story but I've had three fathers and three mothers. Truly. And soon I will no longer have a father. And like Annette said in her post about her parents, I don't expect Mom to live long after him; they just seem one of those couples to whom it comes that way.
I think the Buddha was just a reminder of how long we have had this relationship. He was a fatherly man to me before I had that Buddha, and it's the oldest object I have.
It's amazing how those objects draw things out.
The other thing she had me do as a depression "homework" exercise this past week was to write down on a piece of paper all the people who have loved me in my life, and whom I have loved. It was very powerful. It brought back a lot of fondness and tears and gratitude for those on that list both still here and those gone (except I don't really feel they are "gone").
Anyway Magnolia, I've seen you hanging in here in various forums and am glad you're here and admire you for hanging in through the stuff you're going through and dealing with; it's difficult stuff and not easy at all. I'll be a little presumptuous here in case you're a bit like me and have trouble reminding yourself of these things; what you are doing takes a LOT of courage and faith, and from what I've seen you write in these forums you've got plenty of both. In spades.
Spread the Word!
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