Not Liking Your Therapist

In the SHM Community Forums, Jimmy responded to one forum member about how she should deal with his therapist if she's not liking him. He wrote:

kris,

I congratulate you on putting your question out here. Welcome to these Forums!

You have a legitimate concern if you keep telling your therapist you don't want to see him and he keeps "talking you back" into another session and another sessions, etc. He doesn't sound like a good "fit" to me, if you still feel this way after 17 individual sessions and three couples sessions. You really can look for someone else. Start today by reading the post I have in this Psychotherapy Forum entitled "How to Find a Good Therapist" or something like that.

The group therapy idea might help diffuse the pressure you feel and it might not. We can talk about that in another message if you like, but I want to address your first concern: that if being depressed and sometimes suicidal for 2 1/2 years and not being the same with your family.

If that is a real concern for you, then getting therapy is one of the best routes I know to getting out of that pit. But finding someone you like and trust and who you feel isn't labeling you might be what you are missing.

You have every right to shop around for an individual therapist. You didn't go see this guy for individual work. Did you somehow get talked into that, too, instead of being referred out for individual work??

Another question for you: If you have gone out of that couple's therapy and found an individual therapist who is in line with your goals, might that have allowed you to keep this original guy as a couple's therapist in the wings without him being tainted with his coercive tactics to keep you?

Along these forum lines, I'd encourage you to stay away from making life-altering decisions based on anything you read here, especially from people who describes psychotherapists as "rapists" and who expects these rapists to give you free sessions. Not all people who post here are clear thinkers. I'll leave it at that.

We can support you and give you our opinions, clear or not. You get to choose what you believe or not.

If you decide not to continue seeing your current therapist, you may want to take a depression inventory to gauge how seriously depressed you are. They are available online in various places, but the Beck Depression Inventory (BDI) is one of the industry standards, and it can be found in various places online. Your therapist may very well have given it to you (I hope). You can score it yourself and rate yourself from day to day or week to week. It is an objective measure that is free, easy and can help you monitor yourself and let you know where you stand in relation to other people who get or don't get treatment.

If you decide to interview for another therapist, be upfront with those you interview and let them know you've not been comfortable in your current therapy and why, and what you want out of a new therapist. You may also want to keep telling your current therapist that you are not comfortable "being talked into" continued therapy, and what he is doing that is bothering you. In doing all the above, you will be forcing yourself to get clear about what you want and need.

If you are unclear about what you want/need, you might find the process most difficult, because many new therapists could turn you down initially because you are already in therapy. If you say you are on the fence and are just shopping around to see if anyone else seems better, that statement could work against you. The ethics of the situation demand that a therapist not work with someone who is being seen by someone else.

But if you say you are terminating for specific causes and need to interview new therapists to see who might be a better fit, you'll more than likely be able to find someone who is willing to work with you. Clarity and honesty are the best policy.

If you aren't sure you need therapy, that's a whole other story, and you might need to get clear about that first. The BDI might help you decide. Or talking with your family might help you decide.

Whatever you are feeling, you may want to make sure to eventually be up front and coordinate your terminating with your old therapist as you try to find another.

I wish you the best in the process. Let us know your thoughts along the way.

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