Lost in Love

In the SHM Community Forums, Dini responded to one member who got issues with someone who makes her happy but just doesn't fit to be loved by her. He said:

Hi Elleana,

First, I admire your honesty here. Takes courage to lay it out like you have and that's something to give yourself credit for…..thumbs down

I'm a pretty firm believer in communication being the key to ANY relationship, and that's where I think Gregg has kind of hit the nail on the head. It sounds like you do a lot of communicating with Susie but haven't communicated to her how you really feel about her (which is extremely positively but not feelings of wanting to be lovers with her). Sometimes we have to initiate, or hear, tough conversations to have but that's what emotional honesty is about and it doesn't mean we need be cruel or anything like that about it; (it also doesn't mean it's easy to do or doesn't sometimes hurt). But it's clear you really care for Susie in many ways and IMHO the best way to be caring of her and express how you feel to her is just that; express it, communicate it. If it is painful for her the sooner you have that conversation the less painful it will be; and the more likely you will be able to maintain or re-establlish a relationship IMHO.

We do sometimes send signals we don't necessarily mean to send, or they are misinterpreted, or we send signals not quite realizing until we are in the soup that they may cause some pain. It doesn't make us bad people and I forget how you put it but I would really urge you not to carry around guilt or shame or blame over your feelings. They are what they are. You have no need to feel badly about them or apologize for them. But you may need to communicate them to Susie if it's become clear to you, as it seems it has, that her feelings for you are something different than yours for her, and that she may be misinterpreting your feelings for her. IMHO, the best way to show her you care for her is to communicate honestly about your feelings with her.

I doubt any of us have lived past the age of fifteen without being on both ends of the situation you describe and it's not an easy one; I don't mean at all to diminish your feelings, and that it is difficult for you, I mean to say it's human and not easy. But as with any relationship, I think it comes down to communication, as honestly and kindly as we are able to do it.

And don't blame yourself for your own feelings. You have no reason to do that any more than Susie should blame herself for whatever feelings she may have. That's just called being human; the more human you are, the more you feel.

And though you may not want to have the same sort of relationship with Susie that she may want to have with you, it's very clear that you are very human, and very caring of her feelings, and of her. Maybe let her know that?

Just my humble opinions Elleana. Hope something in there is helpful to you. Let us know how YOU feel about it huh?

Take care.

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