Dealing with Bullying

In the forums, here's Dini's advice about bullies.  He wrote:

Hi Purple Lilacs and Welcome,

First of all, I gotta say that you should not feel at all embarassed. As someone getting up there myself, I understand the feeling of "I can't believe I'm X years of age and I'm STILL dealing with this or not over that" or whatever – sometimes I too feel embarassed that way, but try to remind myself that it's because I'm human like everyone else. And I REALLY admire the fact that you are so honest (especially if you felt embarassed). Giant thumbs up!!

IMHO and experience Kaleb's approach of not making things "about" the other person works best for me. Also, if internally I try to remember that whatever that other person is doing (especially when it is being done by a real jerk) it's not about me – it's about them and their stuff. In my experience people who act out with anger, cruelty or are constantly just plain difficult to be around are often in pain over whatever their own unresolved experiences and feelings about them are – this doesn't help me in terms of their overt behavior towards me, but it does help me keep the perspective that it's really not about me – it's about them and their stuff. Somehow, that can be helpful to me – I don't get lost in wondering what the hell I did "wrong" to be the recipient of the behavior.

I kind of bring that up because you mention having been bullied when younger and raise the notion that perhaps you are still a "mark." But you also express yourself (including that notion) with a lot of self-awareness and mention you've been to therapy to explore some of this stuff. My thought is that since this person has been around doing this stuff for a long time, to the point that people quit rather than work with them, and so even if you do give off some "mark" vibes it seems to me this is not about you – this person would likely be acting out and behaving like a jerk if you were Atilla the Hun! They've been doing it a long time – they didn't wait till you came along.

So while I commend you for looking at how you can handle yourself in this situation, I hope you don't "blame" yourself in any way for it!

How are you doing Purple Lilac? If you can, drop back in and let us know OK?

Take care,

Dini

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