Crazy Love
In the SHM Forums, Joanne responded to one concern of a member about having a crazy lover. She wrote:
Kirst,
First of all, welcome to this site. You definitely are doing the right thing by asking for feedback.
Please keep coming back, even if what you read here is scary.
I don't know how to tell you this, except to say that you know it in your heart of hearts already as reflected in the title you gave to this thread: he is probably very crazy, IMHO.
Secondly, take some time and do a search in these forums for 'paranoid'. Spend an hour or two reading what other people have said, done and see if it matches your experience.
Love does not demand the impossible. He is demanding the impossible. If he has to stop making love to you because other men have been inside you, this is a very serious sign that he cannot separate the now from the past. He sounds as if he is blurring the lines between reality and fantasy. He might very well be losing his grip on reality.
You must question yourself as to why you chose to get involved with this kind of man too. Meanwhile, if you think you need to break it off with him and stop giving into his threats when you try to leavem, be smarter about it.
You've tried but failed because you probably have underestimated his level of craziness.
Now that you have a clearer picture, take measures to slowly but steadily get away from him as fast as you can, but be very careful about it.
~Take his threats very seriously.~
He probably can sense every shifting emotion in you – so you've got to be very careful.
He probably has the kind of paranoia that can be dangerous. Make a plan, be strategic and be sure to ~move steadily away~. These are some things to consider, even if they sound too drastic now. They are a road map away from even the most dangerous type of lover.
I know my list is probably going to make you think I'm over -reacting, but I've been down this road, and believe me, when the sh*t starts to hit the fan, you'd better be prepared. Ok, here's my list:
1. Stop telling him your secrets.
2. Get into psychotherapy asap, with or without him (if he is really paranoid, he will never agree to go, but don't let that stop you). The minute you go into therapy, the professional community can quickly be mobilized if you ever need their help. Be sure to get a good, experienced and well seasoned therapist. (Read Jimmy's suggestions for finding a good therapist in the Psychotherapy Forum.)
3. Get your own money away from his, preferably in a bank account he doesn't know about.
4. Get another job if need be.
5. Consider the need to move to another city if he is threatening your current job.
6. Keep your children (even if they are grown) as far away from his sphere of influence as possible.
7. Let trusted people know what you are doing but make sure they don't tell him.
8. Get information from the police if your gut tells you he is getting too crazed. Talk to the police about a "friend" at first and find out exactly what they can do for you.
9. Learn where your battered women's shelters are and what they can do for you even if you are not being physically battered.
The reality is that HS IS BATTERING YOU EMOTIONALLY and may not be able to stop.
This may sound drastic but if he says he won't let you go, believe him. Better to be safe than sorry.
10. Keep coming here (never give him this website address) and tell us your plans., We can give you feedback, but ultimately, you've got to take the measures needed to keep yourself safe.
TRUST your GUT – you know he is not normal.
Protect yourself, including your heart, body, family and future.
You can do this. Many women have done it before you. Start by searching for 'paranoid' in these forums and tell us if anything you see fits your situation. If yes, make a comment in whatever thread you find and tell us what resonates for you in what others have written. That will help us understand you more quickly.
Hugs,
Jo
Spread the Word!
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