Addiction Awareness
In the SHM Forums, a member asked: "Why it seems I find it necessary to destroy the real me with whatever is available to not be myself?" Dini answered:
Hi Cat65,
Welcome to these forums. There are plenty of decent, kind, wise and compassionate people around here who will respond to you with honesty just as you have so honestly described your own situation in your post. I admire the kind of honesty you expressed; it takes courage to be willing to face these things about ourselves.
I'm a sober alky and have done my share of drugs so I while I don't stand in your shoes Cat, I certainly know the feeling of "running and hiding from myself" (and my emotions) and also underneath all that, liking myself and who I am. Odd paradox huh? Maybe not; maybe when we stop running and hiding and face our demons we get, at last, the chance to like ourselves, and accept ourselves as human, meaning pretty damn good but not perfect. That's been my experience Cat, once I got sober with the help of AA and plenty of folks in AA and which I still rely on as part of my "support" – my sobriety is a one day at a time (deal and always will be. I got to actually see the demons I was running from. At first they were scary, then slowly, with help, I realized that the demons I can see are nowhere near as scary as what I don't allow myself to see, and therefore make bigger and scarier in my own head. Hope that makes some sense.
"Knowing better is no better a deterrent than being educated and well aware of the repercussions"…….Lord Cat, you hit the nail on the head with that one. In my experience, it is so true. I personally believe that it wasn't until I got my intellect OUT of the way that I was able, with help, to get sober.
I tremendously admire both your emotional courage and your emotional awareness. hot smiley
Admitting we have a problem is half the battle and the first step in doing something about the problem. (The opposite of admitting we have a problem is also that river in Egypt and North Africa and it's a nice river but it never helped me get sober). You've broken through a lot of denial, even in what you've said in your post. You've also shown huge self-awareness with the statement I quoted from you. (Cat, that could be a banner hung on a room during AA meetings it is so true and so well said). thumbs down
There are plenty of folks around this site who have direct experience with addiction, and who will gladly "engage" with you. If I may, a couple of suggestions to help get that ball rolling? One is to poke around in other people's thread (and this thread, by the way, is YOURS), and if you can relate, make a comment or two; that way people get to know you and will respond here. I can see you've already done a bit of that and it's called "giving back" and shows a gracious heart on your part. thumbs down The other is to keep the dialogue going on here, and be as specific as you feel able to be on any given day at any given moment; that helps people give more meaningful responses.
Along those lines, perhaps if you could tell us what kind of drug(s) you are speaking of, frequency of use, how long you've been using, effect upon your life, your work, your relationships, your own self-esteem. You mention three grown children – do they live with you? Do you live alone or with a SO? Why do YOU feel the need to use. What is it you feel you are running and hiding from? What was your childhood like (I know some of my "issues" came from way back because I hadn't dealt with them).
Perhaps you could go on the web, look for a schedule of meetings and check out an AA or NA meeting in your area? You will certainly find people who understand the place you are in because they have been there, and you may find it hugely helpful. That was my experience.
You ask "could someone please help me comprehend why it seems necessary to destroy the real me with whatever is available to not be myself?" I don't know that we can answer that question for you here Cat, but I'm pretty sure people can help point you in the direction where the answers can be found. (I say that only because IMHO the answers to those sorts of questions, while we can benefit immensely from the guidance of folks who have been there and good therapists, ultimately comes from within ourselves). Aside from AA or NA as support, have you considered going to a therapist. I do and have for some time. I find it immensely helpful. If you do, there are some good ideas around this website as to how to go about finding a good therapist, and I would add be sure to find one who has done work with addicts and drunks (like me). Ask how many such clients they've had; what they view as successful therapeutic strategies (remember, YOU are the consumer here; if anyone gets upset about you asking those questions over the phone, dial another number; a good therapist not only is not put off by such questions, but welcomes them as the sign of someone who is serious about doing the "work" of therapy IMHO). I had the experience of seeing a therapist who advertises that this is among her areas of expertise, but came to find out she really didn't know much about it at all.
And use these forums in any way you find gives you support. That's what the good folks who founded it and run it put the effort into it for; people like you and I.
By the way Cat65, if the 65 means anything in terms of your birthdate, I'll just say that the perception of being "an OLDER adult female" is all relative. And it is NEVER too late to get sober and work on these things. Yours truly, dumby that I am, is living proof.
Again, Cat65, welcome. And let us know what you think and how you are doing. Stick around and make yourself known. There are understanding folks here who "have been there" and yours is a voice of honesty, intelligence and self-awareness; those are prized qualities around here. Welcome to the village.
Spread the Word!
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